My little niche

Today would have been my mother's 60th birthday.

My aunt and I spoke this morning about how she was such a young spirit. It was a lovely conversation. The kids enjoyed talking to my aunt, "their Great Aunt Deb." (Tom's sister jokes that she is to be called "their Favorite Aunt Deb" to keep things straight.)

I'm pretty okay today. It took me a while to fall asleep last night. Tom let me sleep in because he rules like that.

I wish things were different so my kids could meet the neat lady I knew when I was younger. I miss my mom.

This week, I've been missing my mom a great deal. Monday was especially rough. My dad called while he was on a layover in town, and he picked up on the sadness in my voice. (Dad and my mother had been divorced for over a decade when she died.) He shared that he had a Mom-related blue spell the day before.  Hearing that someone else missed her truly helped me.

There are so few people around that knew my mom in her good years.  Even before my mom was officially diagnosed with cirrhosis, her mind had been changed from the years of drinking. Tom never knew my mom back when she was vivacious and pleasant to be around.  So while he realizes that I'm mourning her death, he can't understand the full impact of the years of good memories and love. He only got to live through the "pain in the tuckus" years.

While I was down in Tampa, my aunt presented me with a box of pictures from my youth. This is better than gold to me. (My mother only had one photo album of pictures from my youth, and it was water damaged. I was only able to salvage four photos from it.) I'm planning to spend some time over the next year or so taking this large box of photos and writing down as much of the associated history and anecdotes as I remember. I already feel like part of my mom is slipping away. Same thing with Abuelo (maternal grandfather), who passed 2 weeks before Amelia was born.

It has been getting easier though. It's not nearly as bad as the first month where I would just stop to cry in the middle of the kitchen for a while.  Before Monday, it had been a couple of weeks since the last big grief punch.

I'm back from Tampa. I'm very drained. I'll write more in the next couple of days.

I held up quite well, but I don't think anyone is ever ready to see one's mother in a coffin.   It was a closed casket service, but during the reception after the funeral, I was given a few minutes alone with my mom. That was the time I really lost it over the weekend.    

She is a complete nutter.

We went round and round with such gems as:
1. If you want us there for a particular holiday, ask us!
2. Just because you are sick doesn't mean we will cancel all existing plans.
3. The reason I didn't tell you Tom was in London is that you never once asked what was going on with us during that time period.
4. I didn't volunteer my holiday plans because you never asked.
5. No, really, you do turn into a shrew whenever I mention my father. That's why I didn't jump up and down to share my plans with Dad.
6. Hell, no, we are not going to break our tradition of doing Christmas at our house.
7. Just because you are sick doesn't make you right.
8. If you are mad at me, tell me. Don't tell your sister to tell me.
9. Sitting around pouting until I notice only makes you look more like a 13-year old.
10. If you want more details/to be more involved, call me.
11. When I mean, "Call me", I don't mean to tell me lies about how you aren't drinking. Because I know what your drunk voice sounds like.

onceupon posted an entry yesterday that really has me thinking. I've been feeling less than wonderful since Katie was born. While I was overweight prior to the birth of my kids, I haven't gotten down to my default weight since Katie was born. (My default weight = the set point that my body seems to hit unless I'm exercising 1 hour a day and eating 1000 calories per day. Then I can drop 20 lbs which come back on within a short period of time. I've maintained that set point since I left college at age 22.) 

Very little of my clothing fits me well. I have many years of clothing to fit my default weight, but not a great deal of things at this higher weight. I am hesitant to shop for new clothing for me for fear I'll waste money. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's because I don't want to face the fact that I'm this new size.  I go to the few stores that carry attractive items in my size and nothing looks right.

Right now, I'm still trying to deal with this ongoing stress of my mom's illness. (She's going through an up period, but she's still in hospice. She continues to abuse her body, so it's inevitable...just maybe delayed.)  I have two young children. My allergies try to slay me when I step outside right now. Yes, I could exercise inside...during the kids' naptime (assuming they nap at the same time), or once they are asleep when I normally spend time with my husband catching up.  I need to make it a priority, but I have nothing left to give.

Eating well? Well, we get in our fruit and veggie counts.  I am in the process of converting us to whole wheat pasta and flours. I know that I overeat to help quell the feeling of sorrow and frustration. I rarely drink (1 drink a month is a big month), don't smoke, and I definitely don't do drugs. I've got an appointment with a shrink in April.

I just don't know. I can list to you all of the good behaviors I should be engaging in. Then when the time comes, I just can't or won't.  I don't have a good answer right now. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other right now.

To distract myself from wanting to throttle my mother, I offer this link: http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=local&id=4997426 Watch the video that goes along with it.

(Why am I pissed? She was released from the hospital today, didn't think to call me, and when I asked her why, she claimed she had been trying to call me all day. Lies. I was at home with the girls from noon on. Grrr. She sounded horrible on the phone, barely making a lick of sense. I hate how her brain is fading.)

As far as I know, Mom is still not in the hospital. She promised various people she would go tonight, but I'll believe she's in the hospital when I have to talk to her via Tampa General's switchboard. The best excuse I heard so far is that she didn't want to go today because all of the routes to the hospital would be blocked by Gasparilla. I have a funny feeling that the police would let ambulances through the parade route, you know what I mean?

I spent the morning puttering around the house with Tom and the kids. When they were down for a nap, I went to the mall and bought myself a funeral dress. I figure that I am going to need one really soon now, so I might as well shop for it while I am on my own, versus grabbing the first thing in my size that's remotely appropriate, like I have to when the kids are with me. I got even more depressed looking at myself in the mirror at Macy's, because I just haven't gotten myself in eat better and exercise. I need to, but I'm just at my limit right now.

I did find a nice wrap dress 60% off at Macy's. I hate spending a ton of money for something I'll only wear once. While this could be a cocktail or dinner dress later on, I just don't see myself reusing it. I imbue things with significance, and it'll be colored by that forever more. For example, a sleep outfit that I purchased for Flipper prior to the miscarriage was never used for Amelia or Katie. I just couldn't.

I came home to save Tom from the children. We packed up the family and headed out to run errands. While we were at Petsmart, I ran into pigri and her husband. We had a very nice chat while Amelia attempted to steal a few kittens from the adoption agency. Ms. M looked wonderful, and I confessed that I have Wii envy.

For dinner, we had pizza and now I'm watching Tom play a bit of Lego Star Wars. I spoke on the phone with my aunt and my mom's best friend earlier this evening, and now I'm waiting for my head to stop pounding. I took something over an hour ago, and it's just intensified since then.

Things are looking up slightly. Tom went to the doctor today; I'll try to get by tomorrow. The cold has branched out into an upper respiratory infection in him; I assume that I've gotten my quarterly sinus infection.

At this point, not sure when mom is getting out of the hospital. She has some sort of strep infection in her body, and they aren't sure where. They think it may be around the port in her chest, which is bad.

I'm just done for today. I'll cheer myself up by showing off the cuteness:

Thank you for all the good thoughts over the weekend. Mom's been sedated since Sunday afternoon. They did an endoscopy and found several bleeding ulcers in her esophagus and stomach. Oddly, that's the best they could have hoped for; esophageal varices are scarier. While they had her under, they did another paracentesis and removed another 10 L of fluid from her abdomen. She's now being "drained" every 10 days or so. They're keeping her under through this morning/afternoon to give her a chance to rest. There is hope that they can get her TIPS performed Wednesday which should cut down on the frequency of needed paracentesis.

The doctor had a come to Jesus with Mom on Saturday before they put her under to explain why drinking is bad when you have cirrhosis, mmmkay? Let's see if this one sticks. I'm not holding out hope.

Last night was a rough night for our family. Katie's cold has moved into her chest, so she was up coughing a lot last night. That meant I was up with her most of the night. Today, while I'm out running errands, I'll pick up another humidifier. Apparently the move ate one of ours. I may splurge for one of the cute penguin or kitty cat ones.

The house goes on the market Monday. The realtor took pictures yesterday of our house for the various realtor websites. We've been so busy getting the house fabulous looking that I'm a bit shell-shocked with the whole experience. Looking around the house this morning, it's hard to believe how quickly 2 children can take a house from "pristine/show-ready" to "toys scattered hither and yon." I'm scared that the house is going to take forever to sell. In addition, I'm scared it will sell too quickly. We've been idly looking at properties, but I know it's time to get serious. There's something slightly surreal about all this.

I've not posted recently about my mother. That's due to there not being any (good) news. She was hospitalized a couple of weeks ago to receive a blood transfusion. She felt better for a few days after getting her "oil changed," but the fatigue has returned quickly. She keeps treating her cirrhosis as a bad case of the flu that a good rest will cure. It's been over a year since she was diagnosed, and it's only gotten worse. Her ascites (fluid accumulation in the abdomen) have been drained about 10 times in the last year. That's a very bad sign for future health, since it is not responding to the medical and dietary changes. Her liver is failing, and it's going to kill her at some point in the future. Emory has removed her from the transplant program due to her not going to alcohol treatment. She keeps thinking that she can get an exception, even though her doctors, Emory, and everyone around her (except her alcoholic husband) tell her she needs to follow Emory's requirements. I have tried everything in my power to fix her, and I'm at peace (right now, it could change) that it's her choice to live or die.

On a lighter note: http://youtube.com/watch?v=CqnVZwXQbQk